I Was Born a Stranger Thinking Out Loud In a Foreign Tongue

This looks like me!
But it's actually a stock photo. 

"Communication differences, sensory sensitivities, and unfamiliarity with neurotypical social norms are common challenges that can make forming and maintaining friendships difficult for Autistic people."

Edwards, Chris, and Abbey Love. “Friendship, Loneliness and Belonging in Autistic People.” Reframing Autism. Accessed September 12, 2025. https://reframingautism.org.au/friendship-loneliness-and-belonging-in-autistic-people/

One comment made by a lot of people who meet me is that I'm almost always around guys, and not around a lot of women. Actually some people phrase it as, "You like to spend time with men," which sort of gives me the heeby-jeebies. I usually just think of them as guys, or dudes, or sometimes brothers. 

Part of the reason is that I'm not often accepted the way I am, by females. They see me as another female, so they wonder why I'm not more like them. Why don't I carefully style my hair each morning using various tools? Why are my clothes always dirty and the opposite of trendy... And why don't I show more skin? A grown woman should not have her breasts blocked by bib overalls. Why don't I wear makeup? Why aren't I neat and clean? Where are my acrylic nails? Carrying a loaded backpack instead of a purse is strange. Why don't I have a boyfriend? 

The assumption seems to be that I should want to be more like them, but I just don't know how. So they focus on trying to help me get there. The truth is just that none of these things are me. I'd be wearing a costume and trying to play a part. 

Guys, on the other hand, often just accept me as a different kind of mystery. Sometimes they are curious and ask questions, but not in a judgemental way. 

Honestly, I don't completely relate to either women or men. I feel like I relate more to animals than to people at all. Like, wouldn't life be better if we all had fur and didn't need clothes, and nobody had to worry about looking or acting any certain way? 

I wonder if men who aren't as masculine as they're expected to be feel the same way, but the opposite? If you're a not-super- masculine dude, do other men seem uncomfortable around you, or try to get you to act more masculine? And do women tend to accept the genuine version of you? 

What about non- binary people? Does anyone at all accept them fully?

At any rate...Currently, the two people I enjoy spending most of my time with are both men. The first one, I call my bonus dad. The other, I call my brother. This is not, by the way, because I'm trying to replace my actual family. It is because words are important to me and I like them to be right. My connection with some people is so strong, that to call them "friends" feels wrong. Even "best friends" is too weak. I love them in a forever sort of way. So they're family. Most people are fine with just referring to all non-legally-related people as friends, because the feeling of the relationship is what's important to them, not the specific word. But words have always been the things I understand most. 

I have never had regular friends that you hang out with but maybe not every single day... Especially not friendships based on mutual interests and favorite activities. In school, my friendships were based on whatever kids in my grade were also unpopular and got bullied. Either the teachers would stick us together, or we would find each other, standing alone on the playground or in the gym. 

Those by-chance friendships can be really strong. But I wonder what it would be like to make a friend at a dog park and start doing dog activities together. (That's just an example. I don't even have a dog. But I do like dogs. So I would still do dog activities if the hypothetical friend wanted to.)

My bonus dad and my outlaw brother are willing to do activities and go places with me. They grin and bear it because they know I probably won't go alone. Sometimes they even end up having fun! Like when I used to get them to color with me, or when we walked down Peacock Lane. But these aren't things they'd ever choose to do if I didn't ask them. 

I just don't have a lot of regular friends. I realize this could be because it usually takes me a long time to stop being anxious around people. For many people, it takes a long time to be completely comfortable around someone. But for me, often, I'm actually fearful around most people. By the time I feel all the way safe with someone, our lives have become pretty much intertwined. 

How do you make new friends and hang out with them without having to be nervous at all times?  I will cancel plans with all shorts of people I'd like to spend time with, because the more the idea of hanging out becomes a reality instead of a hypothetical idea, the more anxious I get. Eventually the anxiety overwhelmed me, and I escape from it the only way how... By running away from it.

PS... I'll be really excited if anyone knows the song the title is part of. Without asking the Internet. 

PSS... I call him my outlaw brother because people ask me if we're actually legally related. I don't know if we're related, because I haven't gotten him to do a DNA test yet. So here's my outlaw brother.