Does Your Anxiety Get Better or Worse With Time?

When I was 21 years old I joined AmeriCorps in a different state where I spent a year doing things like white water rafting and taking teenagers on a prison experience trip. 

When I was 23 I took a 3-day long bus trip out to California to see my brother, and then took another 3-day long bus trip home, all by myself. 

When I was 34 I took that same trip, only by train. 

I had anxiety back then but it wasn't debilitating. I needed help but I could do things. And since I was used to dealing with anxiety with little everyday things like going to the grocery store, and going to work, I felt like if I was going to be anxious anyways I might as well have a new experiences. (This is the same way I have of thinking that I might as well have cats, even though I'm allergic to them, because I already have to take allergy medicine from my environmental allergies. If the world's going to try to kill me anyways, I might as well have a cat.) 

Now I'm 46 and it's a huge challenge for me to go to the grocery store on my own. I don't go to church because I just can't manage to do it on my own. The idea of having a job again makes my blood pressure plummet in fear.

Part of it is because when I was young, I thought anxiety was just a chemical reaction in my brain. But things really did happen and things really did go wrong. With every friendship that went downhill, I talked to fewer people. With every job that ended in disaster, I had less confidence. With every weird look I got when I was out in public, I got more shy. With every news story about active shooters in public places, I got more afraid.

I miss that part of me that still believed my autism was just a small obstacle to overcome. I miss that part of me that still thought I could do anything.