Most 12 step groups are for people with addiction issues. I've never struggled with those. My sensory issues actually protected me in this way. I could never cope with the tastes, smells, sensations, and physical discomfort most substance come with. But there are some 12 step programs that are for people who have had addicts in their lives.
My choices were basically Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, and Adult Children of Alcoholics. I have been to Al-Anon before, and personally, it felt to me like trying to choke down very dry toast with nothing to drink. I know lots of other people find it helpful, but for some reason, I just didn't. The message seemed to be, "Quit nagging alcoholics, and worry about yourselves."
I tried Codependents Anonymous, but I wasn't sure about it. In the meetings I went to, the message from many of the people who shared seemed to be, "If someone has problems, cut them out of your life so they don't drag you down with them." Story after story ended with, I no longer speak to those people, and I'm much happier." But I'm in no mood to start cutting people out of my life.
So I decided to try Adult Children of Alcoholicss, which is also geared towards people who grew b up in any sort of dysfunctional home, even if nobody was addicted to anything.
By all accounts, I am the one who caused most of the dysfunction in my family. This is backed up by plenty of research. Google "autism + dysfunctional families" and you will find lots of articles about how autistic children make life terribly difficult for their parents and neurotypical siblings. But since I do fit the description on the program's website, I decided to give it a try.
Unfortunately, we don't have ACOA in my city. The nearest meeting is in another city, in another state in fact. Depending on traffic, it can take anywhere from 16 minutes to an hour to get there.
But I made the journey. That alone felt like a big success, because I don't usually like to go to these types of things alone. My Outlaw Brother used to go with me, but now he has a family that takes up most of his time. So I went alone.
It wasn't stellar, but it was pretty good.
The only reason it was less than stellar was because of me. I have trouble sitting quietly and listening for long amounts of time. Or any amount of time, really. At my other groups, we sit around a table, so I can color while I listen, and that is considered acceptable. But at the ACOA meeting, it was just chairs arranged in a circle. It didn't help that the chairs were uncomfortable. I fidgeted and squirmed the whole time, feeling like I had restless legs in my entire body.
Plus, it's hard for me to pay attention to what people are saying. I have zero control over my attention span. I try very hard to hook onto what they're saying, but my brain is like an unruly toddler who runs across the room every time I glance away. This happens to me everywhere, but it's especially frustrating when it's something you actually want to listen to.
The popcorn style sharing was impossible for me as well. In my other groups. either we go around the table to take turns speaking, or we do it in random order but still make sure everyone has a turn.
But in this group, if you want to speak, you just blurt out, "Hi, my name is ___," and the en you start t talking. Everyone else seemed proficient at this.
Not me. I couldn't do it. It takes me a while to formulate my words. By the time I would have gathered my courage to say something, someone else would already be talking. Every. Single. Time. By the end, I had given up on even trying.
On the positive side, I did get something out of the meeting. The topic was self doubt. Over and over, people talked about how they never felt like they were good enough. They had learned in their families that they would always fall short of others' expectations.
I could definitely relate to that. Even though other people had fallen short of expectations like, " Make sure your younger siblings have food to eat and clothes to wear, and get them to school on time, even the ough you yourself are only 10," and the expectations I failed at were things like, "Act like a normal kid your age," I could still relate.
What I took away from it was, I don't have to meet anyone else's expectations or requirements in order to be good enough. I just have to do whatever is manageable for me at any given time.
ACOA might not be ideal for me, but it's worth giving it a chance. I ordered the red book, which is the same concept as the AA "Big Book." And I will keep going back.
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