I Walk the Line

 One thing that is interesting about being a disabled person who appears to be "high functioning" or "normal" at first glance is that there is no place where I particularly fit in.

When I want totake a class. for example. I can choose to go to a class for people in general, or I can go to one designed specifically for people with disabilities.

The experiences are very different, but also neither one is really meant for me.

In a class for disabled people, there are usually plenty of staff members who are

very helpful and attentive. The directions are paced slowly. The other class members are

usually quiet and stay to themselves, although the more social ones usually try to engage

the staff in conversation. There is also a lot more supervision… for example, the staff

members might escort you to the washroom and help you put away your supplies.

In a class meant for people in general,there is usually only one or two instructors and

a whole lot more class members. The expectation is that you’ll keep up with the class or get helpfrom people around you. Most people attend with a friend. There is a lot of small talkamong the class members, and everyone is expected to be independent.

Lately I've realized that in order to be able to do some of the things I want to do, I'm going to have to go on my own. And 99% of the time, this would cause me to not do the thing at all. But I had told my mom about it when I signed up for this macrame gnome making class at the library. She was excited for me and wanted to hear about it. So I felt like I had to go. 

To me, especially on high anxiety days, leaving my house at all can feel like I'm stepping out of a rocket ship into outer space without a tether. It's a little easier when I know that there's somebody to catch me on the other end. But going to a class full of non-disabled strangers is not on my list of safe situations. 

I went though. I was brave. I got there late and sat down at a table with three strangers. I listened to them tell me what I had missed and I quickly caught on to the craft. I made small talk with the strangers and listen to their stories. 

Going to a class meant for the general population is especially  different for me because I have a lot of unconscious stims but I have to try to keep contained. I know that I'm always saying I should feel free to stim when I need to, and I do totally believe that. But it is a lot easier to relax and be myself when somebody else is with me. To defend me and to help me calm down if somebody says something unkind. 

When I'm on my own in a class full of non-disabled and neurotypical people, I automatically start out masking. But I am not super stellar great at masking. For me, masking mostly means being quiet. Yes I know... What, Angel can be quiet? Well yes, when I'm anxious and I'm around people I'm not comfortable yet, my words can vanish completely. 

So it is a big deal that I went and talked to people and actually enjoyed myself and made a macrame gnome. It's still not something I'm able to do everyday. But I'd like to try to collect some good days. 

It also doesn't mean that I'm always going to go too things for the general population and never go to places for neurodivergent or disabled people. In places like those, I can relax and be myself because I don't have to guess whether I'll be accepted. In those places, even if I am sometimes more independent than some of the people, at least I know I belong.

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